22 August 2016, by Everett Singh Soyeuje

In what has been described as a national tragedy, New York Police officers found the body of Republican Nominee Donald J. Trump last evening.  The cause of death has been determined to be apparent .410 gunshots to the back and head.  The details surrounding Mr. Trump's death are mysterious.  Police commissioner William Bratton reported in last night's press conference that Mr. Trump was found lying on a whittled stick beside a double-walled paper grocery sack, behind some bushes in a flower garden outside the parking garage where he delivered his last speech.  Bratton would not describe the contents of the grocery sack, and did not give any details why they believe the grocery sack and the whittled stick are relevant to his death.  "We have transferred the investigation to the FBI, and they will provide further details as they deem appropriate.  I do not believe it is my place to provide any information that could potentially compromise their investigation," Bratton stated, "We do know that following Mr. Trump's speech, he exited the building with President Obama and their secret service detail, and was scheduled to go on a hunting trip that evening with the President."  When asked whether the President or Secret Service agents witnessed the gunman, the commissioner stated that it was not clear whether there were any witnesses, then he abruptly ended the press conference.

Pundits and media outlets are reeling in the uncertainties surrounding this mystery.  Conspiracy theories abound:  Some suggesting that the death was an "inside job" ordered by, or even carried out by President Obama and the Secret Service.  Others have speculated that Trump's alleged ties to the Mafia are related to his unexpected death.  The most unusual theories surround the purported grocery sack found beside Mr. Trump's body.  Originally, it had been described as a giant, double-walled Piggly Wiggly sack.  Later, however, Bratton explained that early photos of the scene showed the sack alongside Mr. Trump's left hand, and that the sack is actually regular-sized.  David R. Schools, CEO of Piggly Wiggly, issued a statement in response to our inquiries, "Our family at Piggly Wiggly would first like to express our deepest sympathies to Mr. Trump's family.  We deeply regret if one of our sacks was associated with the recent tragedy.  We are unaware of the exact source of the sack, as there are no Piggly Wiggly stores within hundreds of miles of New York City.  We pride ourselves in our sturdy, double-walled paper sacks, and we are aware that customers in our southern locations enjoy reusing them as suitcases, temporary coolers, crawl-dad cages, and soil beds for night-crawlers.  But we are unaware of how or why the Republican nominee would have one.  To honor the Republican nominee for President, we are issuing five thousand gift cards to bank executives and real estate developers across the United States."

We at REAL News have made the journalistic decision not report the various unfounded theories of Mr. Trump's death.  We will report only facts that we can verify from credible sources.  We will continue to update this story as details emerge.

Police were shocked to find Mr. Trump's body lying behind bushes in a flower garden.  (Photo Credit:  Huffington Post).

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Republican Nominee Donald J. Trump

found dead in NYC

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